So i'm a thinker...It has it's advantages and disadvantages, more "dis" than "ad" but heeeey...I tend to analyze myself, you know, figure me out, if that is at all possible, sometimes I just give up. Since i'm 28 and unwed, I do a lot of thinking about whether it is my personality that's perhaps a barrier in my relationships, or if it's more cosmic, perhaps just hasn't been in the stars for me yet. Who knows??? Now lately i've been meeting a lot of guys, but then that's it...Things fizzle for one reason or another. I guess it's not atypical for where I live. i know a lot of people in the same pickle, meing maried seems more the exception than the rule. What i'm starting to notice about myself is that there are certain types of men that are bad for me, but for some reason I have a hard time avoiding those types, let me give you a lil background...I grew up subsudized housing, not really the hood but just some apartments, mama never worked, daddy wasn't there but I did have a father figure in the home...I had a few issues, didnt always do things the right way but I managed to graduate high school and then go away to college fast forward 11 years, and here I am pondering the mis-steps. When I went to college a lot of things changed about me, but to my core, I can't help but think i'm still that shy, aprehensive, cautious, big-hearted, passive aggressive, artsy, gullable, overthinker that I always was...Being that way didn't pan out so well growing up, with men. In short and for the sake of time i'll condense what i'm trying to say that dealing with some people can make me regress to my teenage years and that's not good.
That's all, I just wanted to post an observation about myself, now I have to go...ttyl
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Birthday Kecks
I listen to Russ Parr in the morning, it helps me keep track of the time...When they do horoscopes that's my que to get in the shower, and when Alfreda's "hot off the Wire" comes on, then I know I need to get out the shower etc...So I hear some interesting songs, some crazy songs including "Halle Berry" then there's the Lil Wayne song that says "...they muggin me, you know i'm muggin back" or something to that extent, but the most bothersone one is "Birthday Sex" bow, I actually like the melody of the song, just not for the radio and here's why...My nephew was singing this new song called they play on the radio that I just mentioned called "birthday sex" but since he's three he walks around the house singing "birthday kecks, birthday kecks". It's a shame, whatever happened to FCC censorship????? Can't even listen to the radio these days. *SMH* I'm just glad he doesn't know they're really saying sex because for some reason he busts (sic) out singing it all the time, so much so that the song "Birthday Kecks" is stuck in my head. My sister is trying to make him say Birthday gifts, we'll see how that goes.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Men are from Mars...A Question
So yesterday a friend and I were having a conversation about relationship themed books. She said that she definitely not be reading "Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey, but would eventually like to read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I just recently met someone who I really enjoy, I think this could be serious, so I thought to myself, hmmm....Maybe I should read the book too, just to get a lil insight on how men think, because I tell ya, i'm clueless. I'm a stereotypical woman, I am emotional, want my concerns to be acknowledged, passive aggressive...Men seem sooo the opposite, non emotional, passive, and some can be abrasive. So I googled the book to see what i'd come up with and on Wikipedia, they posted a synopsis of some of the views discussed in the book...like,
The point system
Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. For men, they tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) whereas for women they give each act of love one point at a time.
Men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment flu develops. This is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.
Example: A man might count a $200 present as 20 points, but a woman will count each individual piece of the present as 1 point each. For her, the total sum of points comes from the present as a whole. For example, the different parts of the environment where the present is given each get 1 point (candles, music, privacy, location etc.) the card gets 1 point, the flowers get 1 point, the gift wrap gets 1 point and the gift itself gets 1 point. Their totals may even out to be the same, but it's the act of scoring that is different.
The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.
________________________________________
The cave and the wave
Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. This allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
This has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues in order to find a solution. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.
The wave is a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. When they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. As they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman feels she has nothing else to give to those in her life and she needs the love of those around her (including self love) to help come out of this dark place. Once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to pop out of this dark place and once again has love and energy to give.
As one reviewer put it:
When men go into their cave, they are actually going through a phase of their relationship with a woman, when they want to be left alone. Any woman who has wondered why a boyfriend is not emailing/calling/messaging/meeting her will know what it feels like to be shut out of the cave. Women and 'the wave' is a concept [which] means that women go through periodic phases when they are unable to keep up their spirits without help and assistance from understanding men. At such times, 'the wave' crashes, and it needs to be given love and reassurance to rise up again with its usual confidence.[1]
_________________________________
So anywho, not everyone agrees with the author's views on male/female relations...For example
However, other studies do not find such differences. Erina MacGeorge found only a 2 percent difference between communication styles and argues that "when it comes to comforting, the Mars-Venus concept is not only wrong, but harmful. For the most part, men and women use, and strongly prefer, the same ways of comforting others – listening, sympathizing and giving thoughtful advice."[3]
Some feminists have criticized the book for being sexist and patronizing [4] When discussing relations with the opposite sex, one often hears the complaint, "It's like she's from another planet!", while others accuse it of being written as a 'self-improvement' book for women, blatantly suggesting that women should adapt to men's ways of communicating, rather than both genders co-operating. Susan Hamson's web site "The Rebuttal From Uranus" says:
"Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes"
Hamson objects to the lack of reference and details about the research Gray claims to have made, as well as to two central points which she feels Gray makes in his book:
"that men fulfill active roles and are seen as ambitious and powerful. Women, however, satisfy passive roles"; and,
"although the author may grudgingly admit that women are cognizant human beings, they must necessarily take a back seat to the dominant male in their lives in order to routinely accommodate his wants and desires." [5] ______________________________
My question is this, to the men...Do you agree with the point theory, cave and the wave theory or something different?
Women, what do you think?
The point system
Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. For men, they tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) whereas for women they give each act of love one point at a time.
Men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment flu develops. This is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.
Example: A man might count a $200 present as 20 points, but a woman will count each individual piece of the present as 1 point each. For her, the total sum of points comes from the present as a whole. For example, the different parts of the environment where the present is given each get 1 point (candles, music, privacy, location etc.) the card gets 1 point, the flowers get 1 point, the gift wrap gets 1 point and the gift itself gets 1 point. Their totals may even out to be the same, but it's the act of scoring that is different.
The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.
________________________________________
The cave and the wave
Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. This allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
This has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues in order to find a solution. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.
The wave is a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. When they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. As they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman feels she has nothing else to give to those in her life and she needs the love of those around her (including self love) to help come out of this dark place. Once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to pop out of this dark place and once again has love and energy to give.
As one reviewer put it:
When men go into their cave, they are actually going through a phase of their relationship with a woman, when they want to be left alone. Any woman who has wondered why a boyfriend is not emailing/calling/messaging/meeting her will know what it feels like to be shut out of the cave. Women and 'the wave' is a concept [which] means that women go through periodic phases when they are unable to keep up their spirits without help and assistance from understanding men. At such times, 'the wave' crashes, and it needs to be given love and reassurance to rise up again with its usual confidence.[1]
_________________________________
So anywho, not everyone agrees with the author's views on male/female relations...For example
However, other studies do not find such differences. Erina MacGeorge found only a 2 percent difference between communication styles and argues that "when it comes to comforting, the Mars-Venus concept is not only wrong, but harmful. For the most part, men and women use, and strongly prefer, the same ways of comforting others – listening, sympathizing and giving thoughtful advice."[3]
Some feminists have criticized the book for being sexist and patronizing [4] When discussing relations with the opposite sex, one often hears the complaint, "It's like she's from another planet!", while others accuse it of being written as a 'self-improvement' book for women, blatantly suggesting that women should adapt to men's ways of communicating, rather than both genders co-operating. Susan Hamson's web site "The Rebuttal From Uranus" says:
"Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes"
Hamson objects to the lack of reference and details about the research Gray claims to have made, as well as to two central points which she feels Gray makes in his book:
"that men fulfill active roles and are seen as ambitious and powerful. Women, however, satisfy passive roles"; and,
"although the author may grudgingly admit that women are cognizant human beings, they must necessarily take a back seat to the dominant male in their lives in order to routinely accommodate his wants and desires." [5] ______________________________
My question is this, to the men...Do you agree with the point theory, cave and the wave theory or something different?
Women, what do you think?
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Negated Compliments
I was reading a blog entry of youngcel's about what I consider to be "negated compliments". These are not quite compliments, in fact they're usually offensive like when someone says You're cute to be dark, fat, short etc...My people I think it is common knowledge that such comments are offensive. Today for example, this young chap, about 17ish walked past me and said "You look nice today, I don't discriminate" at first it seemed like a compliment, I started to smile and say thank you when I heard the "I don't discriminate" part. WTF is that??? Like despite your flaws, I found something nice about you...Then awhile ago I went out with a few cousins when this guy (that is my cousin's friend with benefits)asked me if I wanted to get "nailed". I was like, who? damn! What? I'm not a charity case...He said "I know somebody named Peanut that would nail you" It took me half the night and a hint from his friend to figure out that he was talking about himslf. Or here's another one, when guys say things like, "I mess with big girls" i'm thinking, well I don't "mess" with ugly guys, damnit that is not a compliment. I have a friend that has been told her whole life that she has a pretty "face" and it's an inside joke that we call her "face" because people never just say that she's a pretty girl, because she's overweight, they always compliment her beautiful face.
People stop it, if you're gonna compliment somebody, just make sure you don't take it back by saying something stupid like...for a __________person.
This has been a public service announcement
People stop it, if you're gonna compliment somebody, just make sure you don't take it back by saying something stupid like...for a __________person.
This has been a public service announcement
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