Caffeinated and Motivated

so i'm caffeinated today....I'm ready to roll, coffee is a miracle worker for me... It makes me feel so energized, I guess that's why it's a multi-billion dollar industry...
Anywho even if it weren't for the coffee, i'd still be feeling good. I went to the gym last night and got my butt kicked, but there are some cool peeps in the gym, i'm starting to learn their personalities...My trainer is something else, but he does a good job. Tomorrow I go to Bible study, i'm excited about that. If you don't get a handle on your life and start doing what you gotta do, life can get you into a depression that can feel like a system of hell and there ain't no glory in it. Everyday is a different test and you gotta rely on the knowledge learned and the wisdom that only God can give and keep on pushin'. See i' hard on myself, but I can't stop moving my feet when I make a mistake, I have in the past but I refuse to keep doing it. Another thing that helps is changing the music, I tend to listen to songs that glorify feeling depressed or that fosters these feelings of insecurity, i made me a gospel mix this morn and it's got me going, making me feel good and prasing HIS name. Sure my bills are due, i'm still not back in school and still single but i can't let that keep me down, the Lord hears my prayers and he's got a plan for it all, i'm praising him through it and working on being a good woman and living in the light.

Miscellaneous stuff

Grandma's out of the hospital, yay!

Thanks for those that are praying for her, because as we all know life is an everyday struggle, so please continue to keep her/us in your prayers.

You know, here lately i've been thinking about giving up my house, moving in with a friend, cleaning up my credit and maybe in about a year and a half or 2 years moving to another state. It's a big move but I think i'm about ready. I'm thinking maybe Virginia, Minnesota, North Carolina or maybe even New York (but that's a far stretch) Any Suggesstions?

Learn to Love

I want to retract my demand
that you leave
but I want you to Love me
in the way that my Daddy told me you should
or love me in a way that I love you
and that is beyond belief and expression
more than I should
I wonder how you were taught to
love a woman
was it your mother loving your father?
Did the music you bop and sway to
influence your mode of expression?
I know life's hard knocks can teach you
and mold you in a way that lessons can't
but I hope you read the word
that tells you how
so that you can breathe new life into
a relationship gone stale
and if you haven't figured it out
or if you have a fleeting heart
then go, I stand firm on my decision
telling you to get the hell out
of my house.

STEVE

I need to take a lil time to shout out my dear friend Steve (you can check out his blog on the left) because he keeps me motivated and hasn't given up on me despite the fact we're on different sides of the map and has stuck with me through my troubles..I just wanna say I Love You and it takes a special friend to have persistence and to know just the right things to say when they need to be said. And just in case you didn't know, I used to call you my work husband because you're the prototype of what I want in a man. And since we no longer work together I can't call you that, but honestly you're important, you give me a pont of reference when I think of what a man is. Thanks Steve!!!!!-you know sometimes advice falls on deaf ears but not with you, because it's not just advice, it's support.
Well it's friday and I need to get on with my day, please if you're reading, say a prayer for my sweer Grandma, she's back in the hospital and that's where my heart is right now.

The sermon

So I went to Bible Study last night and the word was on wisdom. I promise it seems like he knew what I was going through. Se i'm an overthinker, I think all things have logical exlanation, even when I am being tested. After my breakup I began to blame myself and started to wonder why he began to "reject" me, why I was no longer good enough for him. I thought it was because I wasn't thin enough, outgoing enough, neat enough, didn't have enough money, didn't have his kids etc, maybe I shouldn't have wondered where he was at 2, 3, and 4 o'clock in the morning, maybe I shouldn't have been upset when he came home drunk after driving my new truck as long as it wasnt wrecked, I shouldn't have asked him here he was when he didn't come home and eat the dinner he asked me to make, maybe I should have adapted to his new illegal lifestyle without any complaints. It sounds absurd huh? But as the Pastor pointed out, we will drive ourselves crazy when we try to figure out why we go through what we go through, as illustrated in the book of Job. I was thinking absurd things that I didn't even believe in my right mind, I mean thinking things that were contradictory to the reason I put him out in the first place. I prayed for the strenghth to let him go if he's not the right person for me. I got what I asked for, I reached a point where I understood the relationship wasn't working and let it go. So my lesson is stop tring to rely on human intellect and stop trying to figure out why and pray for wisdom which comes from reading the word and fellowshipping with other Christians. He taught us that God still has the throne and we should pray with all due faith that the Lord has a plan for our lives that we have limited power over.


On a lighter note, my personal trainer is trying to kill me.
I thought he hated me in the beginning, but the workouts are getting a little better but he keeps stepping it up each time I think I'm getting used to the workout, this is crazy!!!!!!!!!

The Breakup: Morning After Edition

So this is the morning after "The Break-up".

Yesterday was filled with tears and lonliness. I broke up with him but to walk in the house and see all of his things gone touched something deep inside me tht I wasn't prepared for. The night before I was ready for him to go and didn't care about today, well why should I? It was a cumulation of things that made me do it, but night before last night was catharsis. I was turning into my Mama and dating my Daddy. A bad relationship is hard to be in but hard to let go because I was at the point where I was addicted to him, ain't that silly? I know it sounds crazy but it hurt so good and I hated that I loved him so. the worst part was walking into an empty house, it seemed so full of life before, now it seems sterile and lonely. Then there was the empty bed, I didn't cry about it though, not like earlier that day. To top it all off, I didn't have a phone...I dropped it in the toilet right before i got off work yesterday, i'm sure it was for some divine reason beyond me...Maybe I needed some time to myself. My every plan to get a phone was foiled. Went to the Cricket store and it looked like the welfare office, my cousin had my other phone and I couldn't catch up with her to save my life. My phone kept teasing me by cutting on for a few minutes, going bizerk then cutting off. I've met probably five new guys in the last 2 days but you know how it goes, they're not what I want. In know it sounds contradictory and perhaps it is but, I don't know if I want him back either, he caused me so much pain and some point I think he was taking me for granted, we were fighting more and I didn't see it getting better. That's why I should be happy right? Well There were a lot of good times and I love his family and i'm going to need his help with the bills and the outdoor chores and the lovemaking oh!This will be hard, one of my most difficult feats yet...I don't want to eat and I feel lots of anxiety coming on...I'm bored and I think I should be in school but I owe them money.


Well here's to getting my life back and making another attempt at living a full and happy life, alone this time, until God sends that special person who is for me specifically with all my desires and needs in mind.

Oh, I think i'm getting sad again, let me stop already...

Thanks for listening.