Auntie paparrazi hurts her "kne-ego"

I skinned my knee today. I know you're thinking, "why is that something to blog about?" Well, besides the fact that it bruised my ego, I can't stop thinking about it. So earlier today, my friend called me in crisis mode. I didn't really have any advice, besides I don't think she was looking for any. I've been there before, just wanting a human to be there to listen and give a lil' feedback so I know that I haven't gone completely insane. A lot of my relationships with friends has to do with listening, no pity parties, just listening. So we have a lil' food therapy and then proceed over my grandma's. When I arrived, I was greeted with excitement by my rambunctious nephew. We bonded a bit I think, when I began to ask him the typical questions you ask a 2 year old, he responded by saying, "what are you talking about?" I wasn't quite ready for that. He knows that i'm the paparazzi, so he said "take a picture" which sounded like cake-a-picher. Now that's my kinda party, one where I get to take pictures. So I galloped off the bed to get my cameras out of my car, and since I had energy, I decided to sprint back to the house. There are four steep and broken steps to get to my grandma's modest home. So I step, "one, two, three" and on the fourth step, I fell on both knees. I peered over both shoulders to see if there were any wintesses, I listened for chuckles and I bowed my head in disgrace. No one saw my folly but I was embarrassed somehow. My keys slid across the porch and onto the driveway, so I had to face the stairs once again. This time, I would do it slowly and more carefully, never looking up, not even for a second. I made it the second time unscathed. I took a deep breath and slowly proceeded in the house to take pictures of my nephew. No one noticed my slight limp, the pain throbbed and I eventually told my sister and friend of the fall and I finally lifted my pants leg to see the injury, I knew there had to be some evidence left because it hurt too badly. My knee was red and slightly swollen, there was a strawberry the size of a quarter and white scrape marks where the skin had peeled from the fall. My knee still hurts a lil, but i'm a big girl, I just wanted to give you the heads up friends, watch your step.

btw here are a few of my fave shots of the day...The third one is hilarious, ladies and gentlemen, I have arrived...

Young Paris

i think i'm on the verge of a decline. last week i stood atop the peak, today the valley. it's all about trying to bridge the gap between good said and good done. it's all about will. i'm emotional, nothing new, sometimes a trainwreck, at times there is a calm. tonight fried chicken tomorrow bones, tonight lazy slumber, tomorrow anxiety and unrest. patterns in and out weaving throughout me, i would like to disrupt the pattern somehow but the problem is the difference between good said and good done. it's been 4 months and i'm still thinking about him waking and sleeping, writing poems, and spending time bitter, angry. i've been sitting on the couch for the last 3 hours staring at the computer screen listening to drowning jazz. i can deal with boney james, sweet thing but not seduction. but it's something bout' miles and coltrane that make me crazy, equinox and ooh, in a sentimental mood get the tears stirring. a damn mess i tell you.currently my house is dirty and the internal me is just as bad as the dishes. i hate sulking and that's what i think i'm doing, but it's honest. i declare today that this feeling be temporary. i've found something to fight about and all i can do is guard my face. young paris fighting, burning the city in protest, perhaps there is something to learn.

*humming* dooodah.....dooodah

Caffeinated and Motivated

so i'm caffeinated today....I'm ready to roll, coffee is a miracle worker for me... It makes me feel so energized, I guess that's why it's a multi-billion dollar industry...
Anywho even if it weren't for the coffee, i'd still be feeling good. I went to the gym last night and got my butt kicked, but there are some cool peeps in the gym, i'm starting to learn their personalities...My trainer is something else, but he does a good job. Tomorrow I go to Bible study, i'm excited about that. If you don't get a handle on your life and start doing what you gotta do, life can get you into a depression that can feel like a system of hell and there ain't no glory in it. Everyday is a different test and you gotta rely on the knowledge learned and the wisdom that only God can give and keep on pushin'. See i' hard on myself, but I can't stop moving my feet when I make a mistake, I have in the past but I refuse to keep doing it. Another thing that helps is changing the music, I tend to listen to songs that glorify feeling depressed or that fosters these feelings of insecurity, i made me a gospel mix this morn and it's got me going, making me feel good and prasing HIS name. Sure my bills are due, i'm still not back in school and still single but i can't let that keep me down, the Lord hears my prayers and he's got a plan for it all, i'm praising him through it and working on being a good woman and living in the light.

Miscellaneous stuff

Grandma's out of the hospital, yay!

Thanks for those that are praying for her, because as we all know life is an everyday struggle, so please continue to keep her/us in your prayers.

You know, here lately i've been thinking about giving up my house, moving in with a friend, cleaning up my credit and maybe in about a year and a half or 2 years moving to another state. It's a big move but I think i'm about ready. I'm thinking maybe Virginia, Minnesota, North Carolina or maybe even New York (but that's a far stretch) Any Suggesstions?

Learn to Love

I want to retract my demand
that you leave
but I want you to Love me
in the way that my Daddy told me you should
or love me in a way that I love you
and that is beyond belief and expression
more than I should
I wonder how you were taught to
love a woman
was it your mother loving your father?
Did the music you bop and sway to
influence your mode of expression?
I know life's hard knocks can teach you
and mold you in a way that lessons can't
but I hope you read the word
that tells you how
so that you can breathe new life into
a relationship gone stale
and if you haven't figured it out
or if you have a fleeting heart
then go, I stand firm on my decision
telling you to get the hell out
of my house.

STEVE

I need to take a lil time to shout out my dear friend Steve (you can check out his blog on the left) because he keeps me motivated and hasn't given up on me despite the fact we're on different sides of the map and has stuck with me through my troubles..I just wanna say I Love You and it takes a special friend to have persistence and to know just the right things to say when they need to be said. And just in case you didn't know, I used to call you my work husband because you're the prototype of what I want in a man. And since we no longer work together I can't call you that, but honestly you're important, you give me a pont of reference when I think of what a man is. Thanks Steve!!!!!-you know sometimes advice falls on deaf ears but not with you, because it's not just advice, it's support.
Well it's friday and I need to get on with my day, please if you're reading, say a prayer for my sweer Grandma, she's back in the hospital and that's where my heart is right now.

The sermon

So I went to Bible Study last night and the word was on wisdom. I promise it seems like he knew what I was going through. Se i'm an overthinker, I think all things have logical exlanation, even when I am being tested. After my breakup I began to blame myself and started to wonder why he began to "reject" me, why I was no longer good enough for him. I thought it was because I wasn't thin enough, outgoing enough, neat enough, didn't have enough money, didn't have his kids etc, maybe I shouldn't have wondered where he was at 2, 3, and 4 o'clock in the morning, maybe I shouldn't have been upset when he came home drunk after driving my new truck as long as it wasnt wrecked, I shouldn't have asked him here he was when he didn't come home and eat the dinner he asked me to make, maybe I should have adapted to his new illegal lifestyle without any complaints. It sounds absurd huh? But as the Pastor pointed out, we will drive ourselves crazy when we try to figure out why we go through what we go through, as illustrated in the book of Job. I was thinking absurd things that I didn't even believe in my right mind, I mean thinking things that were contradictory to the reason I put him out in the first place. I prayed for the strenghth to let him go if he's not the right person for me. I got what I asked for, I reached a point where I understood the relationship wasn't working and let it go. So my lesson is stop tring to rely on human intellect and stop trying to figure out why and pray for wisdom which comes from reading the word and fellowshipping with other Christians. He taught us that God still has the throne and we should pray with all due faith that the Lord has a plan for our lives that we have limited power over.


On a lighter note, my personal trainer is trying to kill me.
I thought he hated me in the beginning, but the workouts are getting a little better but he keeps stepping it up each time I think I'm getting used to the workout, this is crazy!!!!!!!!!

The Breakup: Morning After Edition

So this is the morning after "The Break-up".

Yesterday was filled with tears and lonliness. I broke up with him but to walk in the house and see all of his things gone touched something deep inside me tht I wasn't prepared for. The night before I was ready for him to go and didn't care about today, well why should I? It was a cumulation of things that made me do it, but night before last night was catharsis. I was turning into my Mama and dating my Daddy. A bad relationship is hard to be in but hard to let go because I was at the point where I was addicted to him, ain't that silly? I know it sounds crazy but it hurt so good and I hated that I loved him so. the worst part was walking into an empty house, it seemed so full of life before, now it seems sterile and lonely. Then there was the empty bed, I didn't cry about it though, not like earlier that day. To top it all off, I didn't have a phone...I dropped it in the toilet right before i got off work yesterday, i'm sure it was for some divine reason beyond me...Maybe I needed some time to myself. My every plan to get a phone was foiled. Went to the Cricket store and it looked like the welfare office, my cousin had my other phone and I couldn't catch up with her to save my life. My phone kept teasing me by cutting on for a few minutes, going bizerk then cutting off. I've met probably five new guys in the last 2 days but you know how it goes, they're not what I want. In know it sounds contradictory and perhaps it is but, I don't know if I want him back either, he caused me so much pain and some point I think he was taking me for granted, we were fighting more and I didn't see it getting better. That's why I should be happy right? Well There were a lot of good times and I love his family and i'm going to need his help with the bills and the outdoor chores and the lovemaking oh!This will be hard, one of my most difficult feats yet...I don't want to eat and I feel lots of anxiety coming on...I'm bored and I think I should be in school but I owe them money.


Well here's to getting my life back and making another attempt at living a full and happy life, alone this time, until God sends that special person who is for me specifically with all my desires and needs in mind.

Oh, I think i'm getting sad again, let me stop already...

Thanks for listening.

It's all about the eyebrows

It's been awhile...Yeah, I know
Today i'm feeling kinda blue, like lazy in love but bruised by it. Confused but not depressed, in a daze, feeling like I should be at home tending to my weeds, planting flowers or sharing precious moments with someone dear, like my grandma I suppose....I'm not much in a working mood. My cheeks are sore and my face is bare, allergies are killing me, my eyebrows are getting too thick and my emotions a lying raw on my shoulders, I won't cry because i'm not there. Devil always wants to kick you when you're down. That's why I refuse to simply lie there, down and defeated. Today is new, there is new hope, a day filled with a different promise

So on a lignter note, the Championships are going well, the 3 kings (Parker, Duncan, Manu G-of course!) are dominating the game and bringing some old-fashioned showmanship back to basketball, showing these new players with endorsement deals how to play the game. Nothing against LeBron,he's good but not ready to play with the big dogs, he's still got a little way to go (especially defense, scoring isn't everything).

Now please excuse me while I lubricate my feet.

I actually quoted Jay-Z

So today, hmmm....
A little relieved, according to the ultrasound the uterus, endometrium, and ovaries are in tact. We've still got the detectives out searching for my long lost period. Yeah, i know that's a lil TMI and the personification was a little lame but hey...What can I say, "THAT'S WHAT IT DO"

Quote of the day:
"What you eat don't make me shit" -Jay-Z

So the co-worker I spoke about in my last post is still at it, she she's this racist, childish, kinda crazy, jealous earth disturber. I mean for real, she tells on other people, talk about some people who never quite got over their childhood...Damn her, I've given her too much shine on my blog, almost makes me as bad as her huh? Ok I quit.

Oh, and I guess I recovered from the BF issues in the last post. We're still goin' through it, that's life! or at least that's what he tells me.
I've got more but you'll just have to wait till next time....

Salty McSalty-I can't stand my co-worker(s) an ode to them

To my rude co-workers who will never read this blog:
I wish you a really bad toothache with a pus-filled abcess. (...and that's something i've reserved for my worst enemy)
Supervisor consort: You need a pedicure. I don't like you and someday, I hope a large african-american hugs you really hard and shakes your hand so that you can cringe in disgust and feel bad all over, cause Lord knows how you hate us so...
That is all I have to say.

On another note.
My B.F. who-better-get-his-act-together-before-his-ass-gets-dumped returns home today from speding the week with his kids (and the baby mama of course) in S.C. I don't know how i'll react to him, i've been toiling over it and I think i'm done, but who knows what will come out when he brings his ass in the door. Why did women get cursed with a period (even if it doesn't come) and emotions? I ain't complainint but dang...we got played.

D-day (Diet that is...)

What is the right thing to do? Is it following your heart or is the right thing to do using your intelligence to make decisions about life and love?
Is it better to be safe, predictable, reliable or is it better to be spontaneous, unpredictable and well, unreliable?
Should you change in order to adapt or stay true to one self?
Should you care what others think or should you disregard everything that the world says of you?

These are some of the questions that I ask myself daily and it is sometimes difficult to say which is the right way to be. I guess there is no one-size-fit-all answer for life. But I do know that straddling the fence can be dangerous.

Today i'm starting my diet and exersize regimen, wish me luck with all the fresh fruits and veggies I plan on living off of. Hope this all pays off, because this is hard work, of all days today at work, there is a carry in with all the cheeze balls, dips, meatballs and wings that you can imagine, so while everyone's here feasting, i'll be silently chewing on some cucumber slices and a few tart strawberries. So be nice to me today, maybe pat me on the shoulder if you see me, i'll need the support.

Happy Feelings

The feeling is good
time is now
mood is pink
Love is Love
God is good
all the time
praise is due
in time of joy
in time of pain
praise is due in
sunshine and rain

So today I feel happy, blessed and all types of good. Yesterday I was trying to slit my wrist with a butterknife, sobbing, moping and just plain old sad, wondering what love is all about and why it hurt so bad to be in it. I had/have some issues man. But all that matters is the right now, and right now i'm feeling some of God's grace shining all over me. I feel good and just felt like I needed to tell somebody and that somebody is you. So take it, hold it, swallow it, embrace it, live it and take it with you wherever you go. Ain't that something, feeling so good that you wanna share it. Enough times I complain and some people tend to want to share bad news. So while i'm on top of the world, come with me to a place where it feels good to be alive, breathe the air with me and feel some joy before tomorrow comes, if tomorrow comes...
*typing this while humming, Happy Feelings by Frankie Beverly and Maze*

Inspiration Today

I need some inspiration today
I know it could be worse
it could be raining missiles
I could have less or be in pain
today Love has left me scorn
and here lately
I have been afraid to cry
so i'm
sitting here with my lips poked out
tyring to figure out how
to cope

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

I've not visited my blog in ahwile, and whew! it was depressing, I guess that the way life is sometimes...Here lately i'm trying not to stress as much, eat better and take advantage of time. I'm giving myself a rest from school this quarter and getting some thing together. Relationships can be the most rewarding and depressing this in the world all at the same time. I fell in love and since then I have experienced more emotions that I thought I had in me. I'm learning a lot of things about myself too...I watch too many movies, listen to too much music, it gives me a faulty perception on what should be. Anywho, I have a beautiful nephew, I can't wait to post pics. He's not a baby anymore, he's one and beginning the acquisition of language, and is a live wire. He has happy feet and loves the outdoors, kids are precious. I'm getting into the playoffs this season, I actually have a few fav's I am going for Chicago, but San Antonio has been playing some hard ball too...My BF is a Detroit fan all the way, and we have a bit of a wager going, if Detroit wins, I've gotta cook every day for a week and if they lose, he has to iron my clothes every night for work the next morn, GO BULLS!!!!!