bad day

My friends think I complain too much
they don't understand
I think
I don't mind
I laugh and play along
until it hurts
and tears spill
until laughing hurts like crying
or until I decide to open my mouth
which i've been regretting these days
If communication is about understanding
Then why does it rarely help?
no one understands me
it has nothing to do with my guarded genius
I contradict myself
and change my mind, I am
not perfect and i'm indecisive
to the point where I think
I better change or i'll be condemned
for being lukewarm
i have such a guilt complex
and this is just me thinking
hypersensitive me
and while my sister thinks i'm sleeping
i'm sitting here being upset because
someone thinks I'm a lesser being
with inadequate and primal thoughts
like i'm a regular black chick
full of regresssion
someone who thinks I am
the woman who I have been avoiding
the person I try to change
the drama I try to avoid the
person hated but dealt with
default but never by choice
a last resort
i never wanna make anyone feel that way
i don't wanna feel this way
but if it's all about perception
and no one is really decisive as they should be
if people speak ambiguously and anonymously
using words like "they" and "people"
when I know the i'm the one ...
then what should I do?
i've felt that way for years
it's only come out in poems
and then it rests again
the way most my feelings do
but whatever, I should be strong enough
to be ok
resilliant like tough leather
I should be ok
I shouldn't be hurt
or feel my emotions like they stab and gouge at my flesh
I shouldn't really talk about it
I should crawl back into my quiet corner
the dark spaces within myself
use my inner voice to quiet
the outer one that escapes
I should be who I am not
Be happy when I am sad
i should be quiet
that's me, a little girl afraid
to speak
shhh...speak softly
be strong
be perfect
or be no one at all

26 is here.

It's my birthday
not too excited
woke up with a charliehorse
and a broken heart
mind never deceives me
my heart is a lonely bitch
and so I love without thinking
hate to be so....
honest I guess
the cereal I ate for breakfast
wasn't fulfulling
i'm on my way to do my chores
dramatic, I know...
but unhappy refuses to hide
someday soon, as my friend puts it
i'll be on top of the world
smiling, without any thought of this
somber moment

Happy Birthday to me!

My best friend

Happy Birthday Jahzie!!!!!

"J" and Azure

Well, today i've promised not to be dramatic

or bring up my boyfriend issues

this will be my most difficult feat yet...

stay tuned for details...(coming tomorrow)

24 Hours sure is a long time

Picture Time

My best friend hates this pic, she thinks I have a boa on, so I just posted it because she hates it...









This is my lil sister, she's a twin and I can't tell which one, that's why I like this pic, to me it's both of them.










This is my friend Toni looking deep, I've known her for 14 years, I call her bourgouise, can't you tell?











So i'm a photographer...
Very amatuer. I just Love taking pictures damnit!

Let me first explain...

When I was 14
tried writing a poem
Wildfire, I think...
stuffed it away in a drawer
wasn't very good
tried to be deep
In 10th grade began writing
for untouched horizons
a book few people read
more were impressed with the artwork
on the cover
felt bad but...
tried again in college
"The Equinox" this time
a fruitless waste of time
something that was supposed to be
good, timeless, deep but nonetheless
remained a thought
we had meetings, wrote material
created layouts, even designed a cover
something to be angry about later
tried to be deep
a few years later
joined an org, an npo
taught me about commitment
discipline, humility, non-violent reisitance
swahili, black nationalism
and about myself
I did not cut it
tried to be deep and failed
these days I just go to work and school
complain a bit along the way
I say i'm going to church soon
paint sometimes and talk to my
grandma about budgeting and the reasons
she souldn't be driving
I worry about turning 26
talk to my 2 good friends about where I shoulda
been at my age
I thought i'd be Oprah
everyone wants to be someone, right?
But for now i've stuffed that idea in my drawer
like my first poem
and to prevent further complications these days
i try not to be too deep