bad day

My friends think I complain too much
they don't understand
I think
I don't mind
I laugh and play along
until it hurts
and tears spill
until laughing hurts like crying
or until I decide to open my mouth
which i've been regretting these days
If communication is about understanding
Then why does it rarely help?
no one understands me
it has nothing to do with my guarded genius
I contradict myself
and change my mind, I am
not perfect and i'm indecisive
to the point where I think
I better change or i'll be condemned
for being lukewarm
i have such a guilt complex
and this is just me thinking
hypersensitive me
and while my sister thinks i'm sleeping
i'm sitting here being upset because
someone thinks I'm a lesser being
with inadequate and primal thoughts
like i'm a regular black chick
full of regresssion
someone who thinks I am
the woman who I have been avoiding
the person I try to change
the drama I try to avoid the
person hated but dealt with
default but never by choice
a last resort
i never wanna make anyone feel that way
i don't wanna feel this way
but if it's all about perception
and no one is really decisive as they should be
if people speak ambiguously and anonymously
using words like "they" and "people"
when I know the i'm the one ...
then what should I do?
i've felt that way for years
it's only come out in poems
and then it rests again
the way most my feelings do
but whatever, I should be strong enough
to be ok
resilliant like tough leather
I should be ok
I shouldn't be hurt
or feel my emotions like they stab and gouge at my flesh
I shouldn't really talk about it
I should crawl back into my quiet corner
the dark spaces within myself
use my inner voice to quiet
the outer one that escapes
I should be who I am not
Be happy when I am sad
i should be quiet
that's me, a little girl afraid
to speak
shhh...speak softly
be strong
be perfect
or be no one at all