Yesterday was filled with tears and lonliness. I broke up with him but to walk in the house and see all of his things gone touched something deep inside me tht I wasn't prepared for. The night before I was ready for him to go and didn't care about today, well why should I? It was a cumulation of things that made me do it, but night before last night was catharsis. I was turning into my Mama and dating my Daddy. A bad relationship is hard to be in but hard to let go because I was at the point where I was addicted to him, ain't that silly? I know it sounds crazy but it hurt so good and I hated that I loved him so. the worst part was walking into an empty house, it seemed so full of life before, now it seems sterile and lonely. Then there was the empty bed, I didn't cry about it though, not like earlier that day. To top it all off, I didn't have a phone...I dropped it in the toilet right before i got off work yesterday, i'm sure it was for some divine reason beyond me...Maybe I needed some time to myself. My every plan to get a phone was foiled. Went to the Cricket store and it looked like the welfare office, my cousin had my other phone and I couldn't catch up with her to save my life. My phone kept teasing me by cutting on for a few minutes, going bizerk then cutting off. I've met probably five new guys in the last 2 days but you know how it goes, they're not what I want. In know it sounds contradictory and perhaps it is but, I don't know if I want him back either, he caused me so much pain and some point I think he was taking me for granted, we were fighting more and I didn't see it getting better. That's why I should be happy right? Well There were a lot of good times and I love his family and i'm going to need his help with the bills and the outdoor chores and the lovemaking oh!This will be hard, one of my most difficult feats yet...I don't want to eat and I feel lots of anxiety coming on...I'm bored and I think I should be in school but I owe them money.
Well here's to getting my life back and making another attempt at living a full and happy life, alone this time, until God sends that special person who is for me specifically with all my desires and needs in mind.
Oh, I think i'm getting sad again, let me stop already...
Thanks for listening.
1 comment:
Hey you, been waiting for a blog from ya, but not like this. I sent you an email today cussing you out, damn kick a sista when she's down. his of course was before I seen your more recent blog, date July 6. Anyway, I like the new format of it nice and subtle. Can't get down on yourself boo, gota keep it moving. i know it's hard @ 1st, but hey it's not the first time you been disappointed or heart-broken and it probably won't be your last. Stay strong and stay focus on you. Hey, here's an idea take a vacation somewhere to vent. Just a thought.
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